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so after a 6 day trip to the coast my camera is filled to the brim with pictures, pictures, pictures. i started up a summer-vacation style affair with exposure and fell head over heels with the power of light. it was a great week, but when i came home i slipped. found mr. photoshop. and as much as i love exposure and aperture during the day, i must say that editing is a lusty way to spend the night. something i can take under the covers and emote everything i feel freely; without reservation or censorship. scream with shadows, caress with glow and use soft focus to show what i see through my tears.

for more than half of my life all i've had were words, and even those didn't do my feelings justice. by the time it took me to find the right adjective it didn't suit my mood. but with a picture and a mouse i can immediately feel through my eyes. i can make a bad ass boy look like an angel. i can talk to God through the sun. i can make a menu full of words look like my personal testament.

i've found photography. i will love you innocently, naively, madly with all that i have. and the best part is, when i don't i will love you more.

advertisement for the _______ girl

yup. that's me. fill in the blank. i'm your girl. your shit break. your sandman. your xanax on speed dial. your mirror, mirror on the wall. the cool stepping stone on your fiery path. the girl you only see when it's necessary. i come in whatever size and shape you need. i am your filler girl.

and my price is cheap. that's right! with as-needed installments of your time (your schedule!) i will not assume that you're actually a friend. i will know that your shade of concern for my happiness is not genuine. i will appreciate the arrangement we have and not expect anything back of which i have given so generously. i suppose that i could demand more of my clients - but how selfish would it be for me to want a shoulder to cry on? no. this filler girl just likes to give and give and give and never wants anything in return. and the best part is, there's no commitment! when you've taken from me what you've needed just walk away. ignore me for all i care. there is no room for me in your new happy and perfect world. i only desire to be there during the storm. have a great life and never think of the girl that quieted your fears, cheered you on, and helped you learn to love and respect yourself. it's really that easy!

DISCLAIMER: when shit hits the fan, you can't sleep at night, need a good laugh, need a dog-sitter, you're drowning in your self-loathing, your heart is breaking, need a reminder of how amazing you are, or just all-around realize what a shitty friend you were to me i will not be around. oh no. you see, i'm the filler girl. and i would have already found someone else to use me up and then disappear.

good morning

so i'm generally a big fan of saying what i have to say for myself. i love to fill my pages up with hyperboles that mean nothing to anybody but me. but those are my glasses - that's how i see it. but sometimes someone else's words are experiences cannot be ignored. it's almost like a mini-eclipse. my night passing in front of their now bright day. so i just had to share this little bit of amazing. one of my beads of strength. (Good Morning-India.Arie)

Good morning silence
good morning to myself
Good morning to the pain in the center of my chest.

It's crazy how much I miss
a simple good morning kiss

Good morning independence or is it loneliness?
I know I said I wanted this but I have regrets.

I pray for God's will to be done
The very next day you were gone

Good morning to the harsh realities of life
and good morning to the fact we're not husband and wife

We made a promise to stay
But destiny got in the way

Good morning acceptance
Good morning inner strength
I'm loving every moment
even the strain

It's crazy how much I miss
a simple good morning kiss

It's crazy how much I've missed
Now it's time for me to live

Good morning optimism
Good morning to my faith
Good morning to the beginning of a brand new day

I know that God's will be done
So I lay down my pain and I'm moving on

I know that God's will be done.
So it's a good morning after all

is that the best you've got

She lies just below the surface. Her green eyes glimmer intensely in the black and she flashes her devious, yet sexy smile, as she begins to seduce me. My body echoes and boils from the rage and bitterness of her deep incessant growl. Her request to be fed by my insecurities is alluring. And the ease of satisfying her is one step away. It’s as simple as jumping from the cliff of perception into a cave of untruthful realities. And there is no one to push me but the sultry white-noise of my weaknesses. There is no one to blame for taking my truth but me. And she thrives on this: creating a sour taste in my mouth. Knowing that just one thick, decadent, and quenching drop of self-doubt is all she needs to be free. But the bottle she presents is full of her past victories and lies. She is a whore for dramatic retelling of events that never happened. Turning otherwise meaningless words into entire phrases. Silence into loud obnoxious certainties. Her heart is rhythmic thunder to the beat of “I told you so”. My tenderness is her haven, yet she only seeks spiteful destruction of the few parts of me that are good. And she rests only to create a false sense of submission.

Sleep well…

Because as she blissfully rests (waiting) I train and find strength. My awareness of her presence is my weapon against her sweet and luring whispers. The thought of her parasitic existence will very soon be the lessons I need to love myself, and to recognize her face in the people I don't need around me. She is no monster. She is simply the sum of my weaknesses fighting to keep residence where she isn’t needed anymore. She is the necessary balance to what will make me truly amazing.

time well spent

today for the first time I smiled and curled into the morning sun that was pushing through the blinds.

today for the first time i kissed the steam fogged mirror and said i love you. and truly meant it.

today for the first time i actually enjoyed every single second of my sugar,cream, and coffee (ingredients listed by quantity used).

today for the first time i tried a poach egg - it reminded me of a storm cloud.

today for the first time if i thought it, i did it. selfishness prevailed.

today for the first time i unlocked the secret escape hatch for ketchup in one of those glass bottles.

today for the first time i took what could have been too much time and made it my time. time to slow my gait and walk around with absolutely no purpose and no end point. time to not think about the time.

today for the first time i released all expectations of a few aspects in my life. hoping to pass a trash bin at some point so i can just drop those in.

today for the first time i looked like the girl starring out the window of a coffeehouse with a smile, looking like i kinda get it.

today for the first time, i feel like...yeah...i kinda get it.

scope-up

so i'm reading eat.pray.love. i grabbed this book at barnes and noble for the simple fact that there is a movie coming out later this year. little did i know how deeply this book would speak to me. the first 25 pages was basically a re-enactment of my life right now. lost in the path of conformity. fear of the day after cracking open said conformity. taking initiative to wrap the reigns of my own happiness around my tiny weak wrists. i've been floating for weeks. an emotional whirlwind in which i was only able to find clarity in the eye of the storm for a whole 6 hours before i was pulled again into the chaos of a crumbling house. i'm exhausted. mentally drained from standing on the edge of what was and what will be. from dodging bricks and plaster.

while her time in the ashram was much more dramatic than my few hours in the woods this weekend i still feel a step closer to where i want to be. no socializing. just time to look at the sun and think. let my mind make shadows of what i need to see. to let the thoughts rush in that i can't handle from 9-5. time to talk to my butterflies. and more importantly the quiet to hear. for once i had time to shut up and just listen. process. then exhale. letting go from that ledge toe by toe. i don't know whether i'm moving up or down. i just know i'm moving towards something whole. a me that will not break and hide when it's easiest to do so. who will be able to think freely and be okay with these thoughts. who can see the beauty in the struggle. who can let go for good and not supress. and who can find (and be able to return) to a space within where i can recharge and reassure.

so out of the woods, but not out of myself, i grow.

blessed

i didn't cry the day you were born. i waited and wanted tears. but exhausted after 7 hours of labor to see your face i didn't have the energy to cry. after our 41 weeks together i was just too excited to smell you, hold you in my arms, look into your eyes. anxious to see who was growing inside me. so when you rolled out in all of your marshmellow goodness the only thing that came out of my eyes was amazement. out of my lips, your name. you were my living dream. but i didn't know what to cry for.

but now i know you are the epitome of the best parts of me. the parts of me that i didn't know existed, i see in your eyes. hiding behind all the negative monuments i've built for myself stands you in a field of daisies. smiling, laughing, learning, growing you. my single and most beautiful structure. the temple for all my love. your laugh echoes and bounces off my every bone and i give in to the weakness. your hugs go so deep that i can feel your heartbeat inside me again. when your little hands brush my cheek or play in my hair i know what it feels like to be close to God. your unwavering faith in me as your guide through this life once scared me. but now i only know humility. you are my compass. you are peace personified. my love grows in the reflection you cast.

in all simplicity, i am blessed.

happy 3rd birthday.