as far as i've come in the past few years, there are still times when i need to go that place inside my head. full fetal position, on the floor, in the dark. eyes closed, pillow against my back because it makes me feel safe. i go there when i need to wallow in my self-pity. and while i'm sure there is something very wrong about this, it helps me file my emotions. find my holes. release all the things i should have said and find peace with all the things that i shouldn't have. remember what i'm here for. who i'm here for. cry, scream, and just be among my thoughts.
but i'm never alone. i know You watched me fall and not get up as fast as i should. You have the only key so did You leave the pillow there for me? You made my heart from blown glass for a reason and i the strong case to protect. but to be honest (and with You, how could i not be) i hurt. my mistakes are now deep etches. my failures rub raw against my soul. and all i can do is crawl up against the pain. to listen and to heal. to catch my breath. and wait for Your embrace.
then You're here and my head is so numb all i can do is listen. and i feel myself begin to stretch and grow into the cuts. folding my strength over the parts that jab; double-over on the places where old shattered glass is wedged so deep that if i'm still enough i can feel the drip-drop of me escaping. but Your voice is the tourniquet. my desire the pressure. in the dark i sit..reassured i will not break. i breathe You in. and i breathe out unncessary fear. unproven loneliness. self-proclaimed fault and trapping disillusionments. eventually Your truth and my conviction pull me to standing. full, solid, capable i open my eyes. the light is on (thank You) and i press into the warmth. now i don't have to fumble toward the exit sign, but i could have made it in the dark anyhow. i may not know where i'm going after i cross the threshold. but with strength, humility, peace and courage i know how to move forward.
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