hear and now

I know myself better than this. I know that my gut is the real me telling the socially-acceptable me to stop. My instincts are screaming so loud that today it started running down my cheeks so fast that it was garbled and the message was almost lost in translation. But then the face you see was washed away and there i was looking at myself in the mirror. I'm better than what i have become. I know too much now to not listen to what I know is true. Truth is I should have heard six years ago. Truth is I should have heard two weeks ago. But I hear now. The echoes of the past pounding against what are now hollow ventricles in my chest. I traded my instincts to have that space. Was it worth it then? Is it worth it now? Is it any different than selling my soul?

But I hear, here and now. I have been so far removed from myself for the longest time that i almost didn't recognize that I was becoming deaf to the tone of...everything that makes me. I haven't been acting on my instincts. Instead I've been shooting the moon-pretty much blind. I need to stop. Look. Breathe. Feel. Fold or play if that's what my gut says. Pay some respect to past experiences and not make the same mistakes. Trust that what I know is the only way I'm gonna fill these holes. Use the pain as strength and the goodbyes as new opportunities to reintroduce myself to me.

Hello. This is me. I trust you.