delta:infinity

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2010-08-28T23:21:00.013-04:00

so after a 6 day trip to the coast my camera is filled to the brim with pictures, pictures, pictures. i started up a summer-vacation style affair with exposure and fell head over heels with the power of light. it was a great week, but when i came home i slipped. found mr. photoshop. and as much as i love exposure and aperture during the day, i must say that editing is a lusty way to spend the night. something i can take under the covers and emote everything i feel freely; without reservation or censorship. scream with shadows, caress with glow and use soft focus to show what i see through my tears.

for more than half of my life all i've had were words, and even those didn't do my feelings justice. by the time it took me to find the right adjective it didn't suit my mood. but with a picture and a mouse i can immediately feel through my eyes. i can make a bad ass boy look like an angel. i can talk to God through the sun. i can make a menu full of words look like my personal testament.

i've found photography. i will love you innocently, naively, madly with all that i have. and the best part is, when i don't i will love you more.

advertisement for the _______ girl

2010-08-13T23:25:00.016-04:00

yup. that's me. fill in the blank. i'm your girl. your shit break. your sandman. your xanax on speed dial. your mirror, mirror on the wall. the cool stepping stone on your fiery path. the girl you only see when it's necessary. i come in whatever size and shape you need. i am your filler girl.

and my price is cheap. that's right! with as-needed installments of your time (your schedule!) i will not assume that you're actually a friend. i will know that your shade of concern for my happiness is not genuine. i will appreciate the arrangement we have and not expect anything back of which i have given so generously. i suppose that i could demand more of my clients - but how selfish would it be for me to want a shoulder to cry on? no. this filler girl just likes to give and give and give and never wants anything in return. and the best part is, there's no commitment! when you've taken from me what you've needed just walk away. ignore me for all i care. there is no room for me in your new happy and perfect world. i only desire to be there during the storm. have a great life and never think of the girl that quieted your fears, cheered you on, and helped you learn to love and respect yourself. it's really that easy!

DISCLAIMER: when shit hits the fan, you can't sleep at night, need a good laugh, need a dog-sitter, you're drowning in your self-loathing, your heart is breaking, need a reminder of how amazing you are, or just all-around realize what a shitty friend you were to me i will not be around. oh no. you see, i'm the filler girl. and i would have already found someone else to use me up and then disappear.

good morning

2010-07-28T12:21:00.003-04:00

so i'm generally a big fan of saying what i have to say for myself. i love to fill my pages up with hyperboles that mean nothing to anybody but me. but those are my glasses - that's how i see it. but sometimes someone else's words are experiences cannot be ignored. it's almost like a mini-eclipse. my night passing in front of their now bright day. so i just had to share this little bit of amazing. one of my beads of strength. (Good Morning-India.Arie)

Good morning silence
good morning to myself
Good morning to the pain in the center of my chest.

It's crazy how much I miss
a simple good morning kiss

Good morning independence or is it loneliness?
I know I said I wanted this but I have regrets.

I pray for God's will to be done
The very next day you were gone

Good morning to the harsh realities of life
and good morning to the fact we're not husband and wife

We made a promise to stay
But destiny got in the way

Good morning acceptance
Good morning inner strength
I'm loving every moment
even the strain

It's crazy how much I miss
a simple good morning kiss

It's crazy how much I've missed
Now it's time for me to live

Good morning optimism
Good morning to my faith
Good morning to the beginning of a brand new day

I know that God's will be done
So I lay down my pain and I'm moving on

I know that God's will be done.
So it's a good morning after all

is that the best you've got

2010-07-11T16:05:00.006-04:00

She lies just below the surface. Her green eyes glimmer intensely in the black and she flashes her devious, yet sexy smile, as she begins to seduce me. My body echoes and boils from the rage and bitterness of her deep incessant growl. Her request to be fed by my insecurities is alluring. And the ease of satisfying her is one step away. It’s as simple as jumping from the cliff of perception into a cave of untruthful realities. And there is no one to push me but the sultry white-noise of my weaknesses. There is no one to blame for taking my truth but me. And she thrives on this: creating a sour taste in my mouth. Knowing that just one thick, decadent, and quenching drop of self-doubt is all she needs to be free. But the bottle she presents is full of her past victories and lies. She is a whore for dramatic retelling of events that never happened. Turning otherwise meaningless words into entire phrases. Silence into loud obnoxious certainties. Her heart is rhythmic thunder to the beat of “I told you so”. My tenderness is her haven, yet she only seeks spiteful destruction of the few parts of me that are good. And she rests only to create a false sense of submission.

Sleep well…

Because as she blissfully rests (waiting) I train and find strength. My awareness of her presence is my weapon against her sweet and luring whispers. The thought of her parasitic existence will very soon be the lessons I need to love myself, and to recognize her face in the people I don't need around me. She is no monster. She is simply the sum of my weaknesses fighting to keep residence where she isn’t needed anymore. She is the necessary balance to what will make me truly amazing.

time well spent

2010-06-13T16:15:00.022-04:00

today for the first time I smiled and curled into the morning sun that was pushing through the blinds.

today for the first time i kissed the steam fogged mirror and said i love you. and truly meant it.

today for the first time i actually enjoyed every single second of my sugar,cream, and coffee (ingredients listed by quantity used).

today for the first time i tried a poach egg - it reminded me of a storm cloud.

today for the first time if i thought it, i did it. selfishness prevailed.

today for the first time i unlocked the secret escape hatch for ketchup in one of those glass bottles.

today for the first time i took what could have been too much time and made it my time. time to slow my gait and walk around with absolutely no purpose and no end point. time to not think about the time.

today for the first time i released all expectations of a few aspects in my life. hoping to pass a trash bin at some point so i can just drop those in.

today for the first time i looked like the girl starring out the window of a coffeehouse with a smile, looking like i kinda get it.

today for the first time, i feel like...yeah...i kinda get it.

scope-up

2010-06-07T19:46:00.005-04:00

so i'm reading eat.pray.love. i grabbed this book at barnes and noble for the simple fact that there is a movie coming out later this year. little did i know how deeply this book would speak to me. the first 25 pages was basically a re-enactment of my life right now. lost in the path of conformity. fear of the day after cracking open said conformity. taking initiative to wrap the reigns of my own happiness around my tiny weak wrists. i've been floating for weeks. an emotional whirlwind in which i was only able to find clarity in the eye of the storm for a whole 6 hours before i was pulled again into the chaos of a crumbling house. i'm exhausted. mentally drained from standing on the edge of what was and what will be. from dodging bricks and plaster.

while her time in the ashram was much more dramatic than my few hours in the woods this weekend i still feel a step closer to where i want to be. no socializing. just time to look at the sun and think. let my mind make shadows of what i need to see. to let the thoughts rush in that i can't handle from 9-5. time to talk to my butterflies. and more importantly the quiet to hear. for once i had time to shut up and just listen. process. then exhale. letting go from that ledge toe by toe. i don't know whether i'm moving up or down. i just know i'm moving towards something whole. a me that will not break and hide when it's easiest to do so. who will be able to think freely and be okay with these thoughts. who can see the beauty in the struggle. who can let go for good and not supress. and who can find (and be able to return) to a space within where i can recharge and reassure.

so out of the woods, but not out of myself, i grow.

blessed

2010-05-30T00:36:00.008-04:00

i didn't cry the day you were born. i waited and wanted tears. but exhausted after 7 hours of labor to see your face i didn't have the energy to cry. after our 41 weeks together i was just too excited to smell you, hold you in my arms, look into your eyes. anxious to see who was growing inside me. so when you rolled out in all of your marshmellow goodness the only thing that came out of my eyes was amazement. out of my lips, your name. you were my living dream. but i didn't know what to cry for.

but now i know you are the epitome of the best parts of me. the parts of me that i didn't know existed, i see in your eyes. hiding behind all the negative monuments i've built for myself stands you in a field of daisies. smiling, laughing, learning, growing you. my single and most beautiful structure. the temple for all my love. your laugh echoes and bounces off my every bone and i give in to the weakness. your hugs go so deep that i can feel your heartbeat inside me again. when your little hands brush my cheek or play in my hair i know what it feels like to be close to God. your unwavering faith in me as your guide through this life once scared me. but now i only know humility. you are my compass. you are peace personified. my love grows in the reflection you cast.

in all simplicity, i am blessed.

happy 3rd birthday.

light

2010-05-29T23:51:00.005-04:00

i've never caught a lightening bug. i think i'm scared it's going to pee on my hand and my palm will glow for months and everybody will know that i was selfish enough to want a light in my hand. but is that so bad? even if it's just for a short while? to want a little magic so close to my skin? i could keep some distance. use a jar that i'll forget to poke air holes in. suffocation has never been a card that i consciously play. so to be safe, i just want him in my hand. just a few flashes of light and i'll be ok. i promise. i'll count the silent pops as my hand shakes, feel the moment, make a memory, and let it go. the little bug will probably think i want to keep it, but i really don't. i just want a piece of his quiet. in the gray and silver silhouette of the trees under the moon with a light in my hand. and when he's gone he will feel nothing but relief. i, on the other hand, will feel like maybe i had...like maybe i...well...i dunno. cause i've never caught a lightening bug.

swim

2010-05-10T12:48:00.001-04:00

fuck. me.

thank you ani difranco.

You keep telling me I'm beautiful
But I feel a little less so each time
Your love is so colorful
It flashes like a neon sign
But I finally drove out where
The sky is dark enough to see stars
And I found I missed no one
Just listening to the swishing of distant cars

I hope I never see
The ocean again
Pushing and pulling at me
As I go deeper and deeper in
Til I'm so far from my shore
So far from what I came here for
I let you surround me
I let you drown me
Out with your din
And then I learned how to swim

I was floating above myself
Watching her do just what you wanted
Poor little friendly ghost
Wondering why her whole house feels haunted
I told myself I was strong enuf
That I had plenty of blood to give
And each elbow cradled a needle
But listless and faint ain't no way to live

So I hope I never see
The ocean again
Pushing and pulling at me
As I go deeper and deeper in
Til I'm so far from my shore
So far from what I came here for
I let you surround me
I let you drown me
Out with your din
And then I learned how to swim

You keep telling me I'm beautiful
But I feel a little less so each time
Your love is so colorful
It flashes like a neon sign
But I finally drove out where
The sky is dark enough to see stars
And I found I missed no one
Just listening to the swishing of distant cars

three down...

2010-05-07T21:55:00.006-04:00

so these past few weeks have basically been all about succumbing to the fear factor. speaking my mind and following my heart? Done...scary, but done. the words came out and i didn't turn to ash. i'm still standing, stronger than ever in the fact that i know exactly what i want. the consequences kind of suck, and something i wasn't fully prepared for. but the outcome is so worth it. my happiness, my dignity, losing the censorship on my thoughts and feelings...it's freeing. exactly what i needed. and i'm okay with it too. when it sucks, it's never selfish. it's all about a little girl who is my whole world. i've always put her happiness above my own. but lately i've realized that when i'm not happy, the mom that i want to be is never fully there. that probably sounds horrible, but it's the truth. but lately, i've been so content with being a mother that it's just mind-boggling. it's like i've entered an entirely different stratosphere. we are connecting and loving and communicating and growing together. the other day, for the first time she said out of the blue "mommy. i'm happy". i could have smothered her i held her so tight.

next fear: bikram yoga. seriously, the thought of it has always been in the back of my mind. but 108 degrees?? now i like getting sweaty - absolutely LOVE getting hot...but really? i'm not in the shape i was in 10 years ago - i can practically store sunflower seeds in the cellulite pockets on my thighs. so i rush out of work, stressed out, clammy palms - already sweaty for a class that was supposed to make me sweat. i'm gonna be late to this class that has all these pros in it. i've got novice written all over me. walking into new places - especially gyms - kinda freaks me out. i hate being the new kid. thankfully i pick the right door, sign up, get the news that i can go all week (haha, yeah right) if i want to for free, and then i wait. handsome face calms the nerves a bit. then i just sit. waiting in the heat. we get started and i'm the kid that has no idea what's going on, but i think i picked it up fast. also i didn't feel so bad since the guy in front of me was really into the beginning breathing exercises. ok...this is fun. feels good. then the poses begin and i fall into the peace and the rhythm. the heat, the sweat, hot damn. only punked out on one pose because i just couldn't breathe in the position, but otherwise i think i kicked a little ass in there. i didn't drown in my sweat. checking that one off my list, only to put it on again. and again. and again.

next up: just saying it. i gots questions. lots of 'em. i over-analyze, critique my analysis, and analyze again. i'm tired. my mind hurts. i'm just gonna ask. but what if i don't like the answer?? you know what..oh fucking well. everything can't be what i want it to be. what's worse, it definitely can't be what i want it to be when i don't even know what the heck that is. and there's no way i'm gonna know what i want to know unless i dance around the questions to loosen myself up and then start rambling the real questions out (yes, that's how i function and i'm not apologizing anymore). point, point...oh yeah, the point is that usually i don't ask. i fester and meander my way through a field of question marks where the only destination is assumption-ville. but that's just putting off the truth. i've got too little time to wonder anymore. instead of spending time thinking about the what-ifs i could be out living the what's now. so that's my new form. and it feels good. every answer isn't going to make me happy. but at least i didn't waste my time thinking that the situation would eventually. will i look like an idiot dangling my emotions out there on a hook? yes. might i lose a friend because i say what i feel? yes. were they really a friend to begin with if that does happen? probably not...so all in all, i win. being resourceful with my time. and their's too because i'm nice like that. maybe too nice..but that's another story all together.

hear and now

2010-05-06T23:26:00.003-04:00

I know myself better than this. I know that my gut is the real me telling the socially-acceptable me to stop. My instincts are screaming so loud that today it started running down my cheeks so fast that it was garbled and the message was almost lost in translation. But then the face you see was washed away and there i was looking at myself in the mirror. I'm better than what i have become. I know too much now to not listen to what I know is true. Truth is I should have heard six years ago. Truth is I should have heard two weeks ago. But I hear now. The echoes of the past pounding against what are now hollow ventricles in my chest. I traded my instincts to have that space. Was it worth it then? Is it worth it now? Is it any different than selling my soul?

But I hear, here and now. I have been so far removed from myself for the longest time that i almost didn't recognize that I was becoming deaf to the tone of...everything that makes me. I haven't been acting on my instincts. Instead I've been shooting the moon-pretty much blind. I need to stop. Look. Breathe. Feel. Fold or play if that's what my gut says. Pay some respect to past experiences and not make the same mistakes. Trust that what I know is the only way I'm gonna fill these holes. Use the pain as strength and the goodbyes as new opportunities to reintroduce myself to me.

Hello. This is me. I trust you.

my back to the mirror (for just a second)

2010-04-20T23:25:00.010-04:00

today was a rough day. whoever said they get easier had that shit backwards. i was fine a few days ago - heart and mind free of some thoughts that i really need to get out. but sunday was a swift spin back into reality. monday was a time for quiet. and now tuesday - the tears. i don't know the steps to the grieving process...but i do know that when the bottom breaks out there are only a handful of people that have tape and glue. i'm side stepping the publicity, but there are a few who are privy to the shit that i'm going through. i have pulled up my big girl britches and fully realize that i have to go through this to reach a clear state of mind. but there's no way i could do this alone. not that i really want to. but today. the first day when i really needed you the most...well, i'm sure you know what's coming.

to the acquaintance: you are just that. friend would be too big of a word at this point in our relationship. thank you for the b-day wishes. it was kind of you to call. but there really isn't a reason to call you back. what? so i can hear about your workout schedule and how drunk you got last night? no thank you. so i can be there for you but not have the same courtesy? no thank you. really, let's cut the bullshit and call a spade a spade. the only thing we have in common at this point is a shared past. there's nothin back there for me anymore. thanks for drinking my wine. get your own beer next time.

to the one with the pliers: i don't like maybes. nevermind's hurt. but i can't be mad. you're the one that makes me laugh when i don't want to. but you knew. and you know. i needed...i dunno, something. to talk. a hug. i'm sure it sounds crazy that i think i don't have to say it outloud. i'll text it next time. hope you're there.

to my #1: i cannot live the life you wanted to have. i know your mistakes. i will not fail you and make the same ones. i am not as nonchalant as it may seem as my strength can sometimes be deceiving. put your assumptions aside. wrong isn't a strong enough word. this will not all go away and be better tomorrow. i stand behind the decisions i make. i am done with exceptions to the rule. my needs are not an exception. i wish you understood. i need you to understand because when all is said and done, you're the one who always makes the tears stop. always tells me to blow my nose. always tells me that you love me no matter what. this is a no-matter-what moment. this is your chance to let me be the person that can make you proud. you just have to let me.

and to you: i don't expect this to be easy. i knew it couldn't be. i'm sure you thnk i'm loving this. but how much of a risk are you willing to take on that? i need some time. i don't need accusations. i don't need anger. wouldn't now be the time to use that ladder? wouldn't now be the time to fight for me? i would think...but then maybe i'm wrong. and maybe that makes this all very right.

but to the rest of you:(yes, of course you) thanks for making me smile and laugh when you didn't know how much i needed it!!!!

drip drop

2010-04-20T13:35:00.005-04:00

i hate being so easy manipulated. putty in the hands of the weather man. forecast today: moody with a chance of bitchyness through the day, tonight 100% chance of wine-showered sadness. it's the damn rain that does it to me everytime. don't get me wrong; the smell, the small tap-tap when the rain hits car roofs - it's all very pleasing. it's a chance for things to be washed away - to appreciate the next day. maybe that's what it does to me too. with every drop that falls on my scalp, it seeps in, flushes all those feelings that i was dealing with into the place i was keeping them from. to be faced heart first. i know the sun will come (it always does). but i also know that if i don't deal with it now, the next rain could be a thunderstorm.

old thoughts that still hold true

2010-04-20T00:17:00.005-04:00

truckers what the heck is up with truckers honking at you as you go down the highway? do they think i'm going to look up into their big rig and fall in love? or possibly pull over and get his number?? hell no! and it's not like they can even see anything because they are sitting so high up anyway...a piece of my leg while in jeans is not worth honking! so please, unless i left my coffee cup on the top of my car or my gas thingy is still open, keep your horny horns to yourself.

damn cops while i am pretty fair when it comes to respecting authority, it doesn't go without saying that those in those positions can take it a bit too far. for the third time in about 2 weeks a cop has just gotten over from the shoulder into the highway with no regard for the cars that were coming. of course you slam on your breaks so you don't rear-end a cop and get a ticket because of their stupdity and superiority complex, but seriously! turn on your blinker, wait like everyone else for an open spot to come up, and then get over. and also, quit eyeing me for passing you stupid state troopers when you're going 10 miles UNDER the speed limit and i'm going 2 miles over. i ain't scared.

not fair sometimes i think plato was pulling a mean joken when he came up with his soul mates philosophy. if you don't know the story, he says that in the beginning of time (not biblical time, but that parallel universe that involves the gods and what not) people were joined by the heart. kind of like siamese twins..with 2 heads, 4 arms, you get the picture. anywho, someone pissed the gods off (isn't it always just one person messing it up for the rest of us) and zeus sent down a bunch of lighting bolts and split us all up. so then we're supposed to spend the rest of our lives finding our other halves. but seriously...that's just a bully-with-a-magnifiying-glass action. how in the world are we supposed to find our hypothetical soul mates when they can be anywhere in the world?!?! i think we all have too many facets for one person to match all of them perfectly. love comes in too many shapes and forms for there to be just one person for everybody. and then as we grow, we mature and we change. it's kind of like that show "Sports Science"...every single variable imaginable have to be just right for you to meet your soul mate. that just doesn't seem possible. but since i will always be a hopeless romantic it's stil a wonderfully beautiful idea

blunt what the heck is up with the little straws on punch pouches. the other day i was craving a fruit punch so i get one to drink on the way to work. and the freaking sharp point doesn't even punch through the plastic. while i don't have another suggestion for how to solve this problem, it goes without saying that it is a problem. and haven't these manufacturers realized that their demographic, kids and clumsy men, can't drink out of these things without squirting it somewhere?? sometimes i think there should just be a consulting firm made strictly of mothers who could point out the obvious flaws in what seems like a great idea

keep it moving one thing i truly don't get is traffic. so i'm on 26 today headed towards fletcher and i notice that on the other side of the highway traffic is going kinda slow. nothing was in front of these cars...of course you have your gas truck doing what it's doing and then some crossover SUV driven next to him, but their not going super slow. but somehow it gets backed up from the biltmore square mall exit all the way to the airport road exit. and i'm sure those people who are sitting in are are thinking, "Oh, i bet there's a good accident up ahead" or "Why the hell are they doing construction at 6pm?" But no, it's just because people are to scared to drive! keep up with the flow of traffic or just get over! and is it really that hard to drive and talk on your cell phone at the same time? does your brain really shut down because you're running your mouth? i digress - but how does traffic come to a stand still when there's nothing going on up ahead?? i just don't understand.

grow up the fascination with playstation. if you are above the age of 15, you have a job, a life, possibly a family and other responsibilities i think it's time to grow up.

hot help so 5 years ago i had to go up to VA with my mom to help plan the funeral/burial of my grandmother. (i suggest that everybody take care of these plans NOW - way before things get serious so your family doesn't have to think about what song to play at your funeral - it's a lot harder than you think) but anyway, so we're sitting at this table surrounded by coffins and in walks the most georgeous man i have ever seen in real life. until i went to a funeral a few months later, and again beautiful men there to offer me tissues. is it some type of job requirement to be a hunk to work in a funeral home? granted it did give me something to think about when i felt like i was about to break down, but seriously. these men were way too pretty (and gentle and kind and do-you-think-you-could-take-me-out-tonight-to-make-me-feel-better good looking) to be in that line of work. or maybe that's the point. man they were hot!

Pablo Neruda's XVII

2010-04-12T15:13:00.002-04:00

Probably my favorite poem in the entire world...to me this is what love is really about:

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

the letter

2010-04-05T22:59:00.005-04:00

how many times did i promise you that i'd write you? 30? 50? and i always let you down. i was young and frivilous with my time - never taking the 30 minutes that it takes to tell you how my day was, who i was in love with at the time, how mom really was. i missed my chance to hear your thoughts and your wisdom that i didn't realize you had to give. to tell you i think about you everyday would be an understatement. there are some days when i miss you so bad that, as cliche as it sounds, it's hard to breathe. you were the first butterfly that came to me. and you still visist. you're everywhere. just today, out of nowhere in the middle of a parking lot i smelled your skin. and i remember sitting on your lap in your chair, trying to find those silly words in your word find book. twisting your plastic pencil back and forth. and sometimes the smell of bacon is more than that. it's me, you, and mom sitting around your metal table in the kitchen just talking about life the only way three generations could. the funny thing is, bacon was never cooking. your kitchen just perpetually smelled of the perfect breakfast. so you're around - i know you are. and i just wonder if i've made you proud? have i become the person that you would be glad to have as a granddaughter? to be proud that your daughter raised? or do you see too much of my father, a man you never forgave, and cringe at my quick attitude? i hope i've done you and your legacy right. i pray that everything you wanted me to know you are still showing me. that if i'm quiet and still enough i can hear your laughter; know that your smiling when i do something that is perfectly you; rubbing my hair when my heart is crying. and more than that,i want you to know kennedy. because when she looks at me, laughs, tells me she loves me, melts in my arms - i see you, i hear you, and i feel you loving me. i miss you.

black, blue & light

2010-03-29T23:09:00.040-04:00

as far as i've come in the past few years, there are still times when i need to go that place inside my head. full fetal position, on the floor, in the dark. eyes closed, pillow against my back because it makes me feel safe. i go there when i need to wallow in my self-pity. and while i'm sure there is something very wrong about this, it helps me file my emotions. find my holes. release all the things i should have said and find peace with all the things that i shouldn't have. remember what i'm here for. who i'm here for. cry, scream, and just be among my thoughts.

but i'm never alone. i know You watched me fall and not get up as fast as i should. You have the only key so did You leave the pillow there for me? You made my heart from blown glass for a reason and i the strong case to protect. but to be honest (and with You, how could i not be) i hurt. my mistakes are now deep etches. my failures rub raw against my soul. and all i can do is crawl up against the pain. to listen and to heal. to catch my breath. and wait for Your embrace.

then You're here and my head is so numb all i can do is listen. and i feel myself begin to stretch and grow into the cuts. folding my strength over the parts that jab; double-over on the places where old shattered glass is wedged so deep that if i'm still enough i can feel the drip-drop of me escaping. but Your voice is the tourniquet. my desire the pressure. in the dark i sit..reassured i will not break. i breathe You in. and i breathe out unncessary fear. unproven loneliness. self-proclaimed fault and trapping disillusionments. eventually Your truth and my conviction pull me to standing. full, solid, capable i open my eyes. the light is on (thank You) and i press into the warmth. now i don't have to fumble toward the exit sign, but i could have made it in the dark anyhow. i may not know where i'm going after i cross the threshold. but with strength, humility, peace and courage i know how to move forward.

thumbs

2010-03-02T20:32:00.004-05:00

what can i say, i'm sucker for a pair of perfect thumbs. i want them on my face, on my arms, in my hair. honestly, when i daydream about things i shouldn't be daydreaming about, it's not about hot naked bodies. it's about his hands on my face with his thumb sliding across my lips. i feel like i've said too much considering how important thumbs are to me, so...that is all.

letting go of the fear factor

2010-01-12T22:26:00.001-05:00

right around the new year i had a thought. how can a day as simple as jan. 1st bring so much hope and motivation to people's lives?? that's not my thought, but i'm just realizing that i'm one of 'them'. oh well, so what....

actually my thought was more of an ahhh moment that came from an article in Elle magazine. terrific article in there about alec baldwin, who i found to be suprisingly witty and fresh (who knew!). so he said:

"Because not finding out and wondering what if is far worse than finding out that you're wrong. Don't die wondering."

damn.

so this year i'm saying screw wondering. screw being wrong. i'm done bowing down to fear just because i'm scared of failing. so what?? so starting...well, i started a few weeks ago, i'm gonna start do the things i want to do. could i fail? probably. will i die from this failure. hell no! who ever died because something didn't work out right?? could i possibly reap some kick ass benefits from going for it? hell yeah. and while i'm hoping the passes beat out the fails, who cares. i'm done worrying..glad i'm figuring that out at 27. maybe i'll have some stories for my grandchildren

so while i've got some stuff in the works, this blog is one of my first fail opportunities. will i have followers? probably not. but i've always wanted to do it...share some of my poetry, talk about some life things, celebrate some achievements. so that's why i'm doing this. because i said i wanted to so why not.